My heart longs....

I love cities.

Seriously. My heart beats faster when I think about cities.

I love them all - New York, Rome, Paris, London. I love how ALIVE I feel in cities. I love how unexpected cities are - like at any moment you could turn a corner and see an impromptu concert or mime, or stumble upon the best meal you've ever had.

I love how culture starts in cities. That artists and musicians and chefs flock to cities. That this wonderful vibe of energy and art and culture and diversity is always bubbling right at the surface.

I physically miss cities the way I miss people. I'm not sure if this is normal or not.

Like right now, I miss New York City. I love NYC in the fall. LOVE IT. With intensity. I miss it and when I think about it, I feel a pang of longing in my heart.

I don't know if it's normal to feel the way about places the way that I do.

I think I love cities most because there is the hope of possibility....the hope and possibility it is so tangible I can almost feel it when I'm in the middle of it..it's exhilarating and exciting and challenging and lovely.

Guilt and Anxiety

Matt and I were given the gift of going to a lake house this weekend.....just the two of us with nothing to do! That never happens... it felt like such a luxury we didn't even know what to do with ourselves. Saturday morning, I woke up giddy, drinking my coffee and looking out over the gorgeous lake and trees changing color. I tried to enjoy it, to be still...but the familiar anxious feeling started creeping in my stomach.

As I sat - literally - just sat - on the couch, my soul began to settle. I've been going and moving and thinking so fast that I haven't just let what is really going on with me surface. And I was shocked at what surfaced - two horrible things that have been following me the past several months: guilt and anxiety.

The anxiety I knew I had because I get very physical symptoms - a nervous stomach, racing mind, heart flutters. Nice, right? I don't know if it's a human thing, a woman thing, or a ME thing, but I seem predisposed to being anxious. For about a year or so I experienced a blissful, worry-free, light hearted existence. It was awesome. And now, with no warning (and certainly no welcome) I am forcefully battling anxiety every day.

The guilt was a surprise. I didn't realize it, but I've been carrying around guilt like a favorite purse - everywhere I go. I think it's the "not enough" syndrome. I don't feel like I'm being a good enough friend, a good enough wife, a good enough daughter or sister. I certainly am not doing enough domestic chores around the house (how DO people work full time and keep their house up???? I'm lost!!), bringing enough meals over for people who just had babies, remembering birthdays, being a good enough small group leader....and, I realized, I don't think I'm being good enough for God. (Is His amazing grace ever going to dwell in me so richly I get over my performance issues? I hope so...but until then I still struggle on...). I feel like I should do more with my appearance, my time, my work. When I really think about it, there is not a single area of my life I feel like I am doing okay in.

The beautiful thing about the realization is that it brought me to my knees, and back to surrender. Back to the truest place I know....the arms of my Heavenly Father. I had been spinning like a top, going in circles; and when I finally stopped for a few minutes, I realized I was far from home.

So I am going back home, back to the basics. I am surrendering my performance issues, the lies that I'm not enough, the fear that I won't ever be. I'm trying to delight in the truth that God loves me. And that is enough.

The Wizard of Oz...Prayer?!

I have to pray for courage a lot. I really do. There are those confident, brazen personalities that are totally at ease on stage, or in confrontation, or when asked to do a new task.

I am not one of those people. Outwardly I may be projecting confidence, but inside I'm shaking in my boots (or, let's be honest...my heels).

So, if you look at my journal (which I don't recommend unless you want access to the innermost workings of my heart - scary!), you will often see the word "courage" in there. The other day I was praying for courage (again!) and I got the image of the Lion from the Wizard of Oz in my head and I bust out laughing. The Lion, as you know, is a huge beast who just happens to be a wimp. He joins Dorothy to go find the Wizard because he is tired of being such a scardy cat. He realizes something is wrong - he is created to rule the animal kingdom, not be terrified of it...

Then I thought about how I can identity with each of the other characters who, in desperate need, join Dorothy and Lion on their journey to Oz. There is Tin Man, and he needs a new heart. He can't feel. There is an empty space where there is supposed to be love and compassion. Can any of us relate to that feeling? I sure can. I often long a new heart that is pure and good and not heavy or unloving.

And then we have kindhearted Scarecrow, in need of...a brain. Poor guy has no wisdom to make decisions. Again, I saw myself - - how many times have I prayed for wisdom and a renewing of my mind?

So, anyway, I've started praying for what each of the characters so desperately needs - courage to speak truth, a heart full of love for God and others, and a clear head and wisdom as I go about my day.

Who knew one of my favorite childhood movies would prove so insightful 20 years later?!

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...."