In the Stillness is the Dancing

I've been trying to be still lately. It is a completely counter-cultural idea...I feel like I get a lot of my worth by how busy I am. Like if someone asked me what I did all day and I said "Be still" they would think I am crazy...or worse yet, (gasp!) lazy.

But I think I am too busy. My mind is always racing with things I need to do, my calendar is full, my sleep is often disrupted, I even double booked myself with two important meetings last week. In short, I am on overload.

I've been thinking a lot about being still. I think God wants me to be still. "Be still and know that I am God" He said. I want a quiet heart. I want to sit at His feet and bask in His love for me. I want to deal with the deep issues that I normally gloss over and am "too busy" to deal with. I want to make what is important a priority instead of what is urgent. In short, I want to be closer to God.

So I've been still. I've been laying in our hammock in the backyard. I've been reading for hours on end, losing myself in the Bible. I've been reading poetry. I've been thinking. I've been finding enjoyment in being still.

T.S. Elliott said "in the stillness will be the dancing." I am learning the dance.

Why does Suffering = Character?

I opened my Bible today to read Romans. I love the book Romans. Plus, we just got back from Rome, so reading this book of the Bible has been extra special to me since we got back. I'm on Chapter 5 and couldn't get past the fourth verse. Here is what I read:

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." (rom. 5:2 - 4)

This is one of those verses in the Bible that is just really painfully, beautifully, true. I didn't have much real character until I went through suffering. My childhood and college years could pretty much be described as idyllic. Meeting Matt was a fairly tale. Sure, they were bumps along the way, but nothing too crushing, no major heartbreak. And then, somewhere in the midst of 2006, I entered into a really hard season. Not because of a traumatic event or anything like that. The quiet - but constant - nagging in my soul got louder and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that something "wasn't right". I finally surrendered the facade, and dove, head first, into a season that I affectionately now refer to as my "quid-life crisis".

To look at me, you wouldn't have known it was a hard season....unless you talked to me. Then I would talk incessantly about what I was learning, how I was changing. And I probably cried when I talked about it. I called it my "cocooning" season. God was basically stripping me down...everything about me. I was humbled. I realized I had been living in really false ways just to please others (ex - I took on the persona of a type A, have-it-all together person instead of just realizing that, to be honest, that's not me at all). It was a beautifully, hard season because I became real. I heard God's voice more than I ever had before. I spent hours in solitude, reading, praying, walking Taylor in the park. I traded in my "perfect" persona for the joy (but harsh reality) of realizing that I am a complete, utter mess, but God loves me like crazy anyway. I guess you could say I learned about grace.

And through God changing me, I began to love others in a way I simply couldn't before. John Eldridge says he doesn't trust a man who hasn't has his heart broken. I get that now. All judgement I had toward others was gone. I could drop my mask and be tender. I could take on the attitude of I'm a mess, you're a mess, let's just try to love God and each other as much as we can.

I love that God creates beauty out of suffering. That gives me hope.

Don't forget the Dysfunction...

I just read my last post and while I like the tribute it was to Mimi, it read just a little too perfect. Meaning, I think I made my family sound a little too perfect. That's why I was afraid to start a blog...I feared presenting only the best, fun facts about myself, only highlighting the good, giving a very one dimensional look at my life.

So, please hear me when I say.....my family loves each other, but we are most definitely dysfunctional. For every wonderful moment full of shopping and wedding showers, there are just as many moments filled with hurt feelings, fights, being upset, and relating to each other in unhealthy ways. I don't know why, but family members know how to push each other's buttons like no one else and they can hurt you like no one else, too. I know the junk in my heart comes out more with my family than with anyone else. Those relationships are some of the most confusing, complicated and hurtful because of this dynamic.

Families are wonderfully hard and exceptionally complicated, and mine is no exception.

Just felt the need to clear that up...and at least give you a two-dimensional look at my life :)

The Empty Seat / Why Lipstick is more than just a Cosmetic

Saturday was a happy day. My cousin Chrissy is getting married in October and we had a big weekend of pre-wedding festivities. My mom and aunt hosted a shower at the Swan Coach House, the women in our family gathered from all around (which doesn't happen as much as it used to, now that everyone lives in different cities), and Chrissy's friends flew in. The afternoon was full of gifts, sundresses and wedding talk. Chicken salad was served in heart shaped pastries, and the swan dessert was a perfect concoction of chocolate and cream, perfect, as usual, in the legendary restaurant.

The problem was, there were 13 women at the shower, but there should have been 14. The loveliest one of all was missing - my grandmother. She passed away two years ago, but it feels like yesterday. I adored my grandmother, my Mimi, as we called her. And now, these family gatherings always seem incomplete. I find myself looking for her as soon as I walk in the door, find myself thinking of her as I get dressed for events, as she was the fashionista in our family (yes, even in her 70s), and find myself glancing around the room wondering where she went, like she just stepped out to go to use the powder room. And then, at some point, I feel the sharp twinge of reality and truth that she is no longer here.

The funny thing is, I miss her most in the mall. I know most women in their 20s would not say that they enjoyed shopping with their grandmother. But I did. It was a highlight when I was growing up. She taught me about fashion and style, beauty products and make-up. We bonded over lipsticks and purses, laughed over lunches with my mom at the Nordstrom cafe. Most grandmothers would probably want something like a subscription to Southern Living for a mother's day gift. Not Mimi...for several years I simply renewed her subscription to InStyle.

When you lose someone, you expect the big events to be hard - the engagements, weddings, births, graduations....the milestone moments. And they are hard. Incredibly hard.

But, I've been more surprised at how hard the little moments can be - when you pick up the phone to call the one you love and then suddenly remember they are not here anymore. Like the other day, I was at Sephora trying to figure out if I need a new moisturizer to help with the lines and sun spots I'm finding on my face (more on that in another post, I'm sure), and I picked up the phone to call Mimi, because I knew she would know, but I realized that I couldn't call because she wouldn't answer.

I don't mean for this post to be depressing. It's more uplifting to me, actually, because I'm reminded of the legacy of my Mimi and the impact a life can have on a family. It's also uplifting because I fully believe in heaven and that those who claim Jesus as Lord of their life spend eternity in heaven with him. It also inspires me to think that one person, while they are here, can make the world more beautiful (or maybe more fashionable, in Mimi's case).

In fact, on Friday, Mom and I went out and bought a Chanel lipstick in honor of her. Trust me when I say, nothing would make her happier. I don't know how things work in heaven (obviously), but I have a very strong feeling she was watching closely, making sure we were choosing the right color for my mother, who has a "warm skin tone" but "cool lips". The pinky color we chose was just perfect. I think she was proud.

My little brother is a grown-up

I honestly have no idea when this happened. Michael has always been my "little" brother, and now he's all grown-up, living in DC with an important job, paying taxes, and doing other things that adults do. I have Michael freeze-framed in my mind as being 12 (I have no idea why 12...I would have been 16 and maybe that was an important year for me or something), but yesterday, I called him for advice. I rarely do this, because I literally see him as being 12. But, I had a family question, and I trust and respect him, and knew he would have good counsel. And, of course, he did. I hung up the phone amazed at how mature he sounded at the age of 24.

Sometimes I take my family for granted, or have them "freeze framed" at a certain age or season of life. I think it's so unfortunate when I do this, because I miss out on letting people change...or noticing that people have changed. I give up easily or write people off. And I miss out on things like realizing that my little brother is now a grown-up, a good one at that, and can offer me counsel. Or, like finding out that someone in the family is becoming more forgiving, or less judgemental, or even more fun. I'm not sure if this is even making sense, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that my prayer today was that I wouldn't miss what God was up to in the lives of the people around me because I have them "pegged" as being a certain way.

For some reason this thought keeps bringing to mind one of my favorite verses in the book of Isaiah ( I really love the book of Isaiah, by the way):"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?" (Is. 43:18-19).

I love the reminder to forget the former things and see that God is doing a new thing. (sidebar - I also love the word dwell in the verse, since I've been into that concept lately...). A great thing to remember with the people that we love.

Thanks, Michael, for being a tangible reminder of that for me yesterday. I think you are turning into quite an awesome grown-up.

Why Blog?

Well, the short answer is...I'm not really sure. Part of me thinks I don't really have anything worth saying. But I was reminded the other day that I love to write. It feels like if I don't write things down, they didn't really happen....it's how I process, how I dream, how I think. And then I thought about how ordinary a lot of my days are, and how hard life can be, but how, in the midst of it, there are these amazing moments...filled with God's grace and love and wonderfulness. So I want to write because I want to dwell there, in those moments.

I named the blog "dwell in grace" because well, grace is my most favorite concept EVER. Being introduced to grace a few years ago (i.e. finding out God was madly in love with me for free - NOT based on performance) changed everything about me. And I've always loved the word "dwell". I'm going through a season of learning how to "dwell" (remain in / soak up into the very core of me) in God and in His love and grace.

So...I want to write about the things I love, the things that are hard, and what I'm learning. These topics include (but are not limited to)...what God is teaching me, amazing books, thought provoking conversations, the city, art, travel, community, food, fashion, learning, and things that make me laugh. So, if anyone actually reads this, I hope you like reading it as much as I like writing it.