Thursday, December 30, 2010

Words for 2011

Wow, it has been a long time since I've written - over a month! I guess it's attributed to such a busy time of year...AND the exciting news that we are going to have a baby!! Baby Mitcham is set to make his or her debut in June. We are beyond thrilled and excited. I'm sure there will be much to report in the next few months about what I'm learning from pregnancy and also about pregnancy fashion since I am finding it somewhat difficult to get dressed each morning (not sure if this is normal or not).

But today I have been thinking about the new year. I love fresh starts, don't you? The hope, the possibilities...whether it has been a wonderful year or a hard one, I always find myself getting excited the week between Christmas and January 1 about what God will do in the coming year.

I fell in love with these verses from Psalm 37 this morning.

Psalm 37:3-7a
Trust in the Lord and do good;
Dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
Trust in Him and He will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

I wrote down the action verbs in those verses - here they are:
Trust (shows up twice)
Do good
Dwell
Delight
Commit
Be still
Wait

I hope these words characterize my life in 2011.

Happy New Year!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

some solace for the day...

loved this and couldn't help but want to share...

"Surrender your poverty and acknowledge your nothingness to the Lord. Whether you understand it or not, God loves you, is present in you, lives in you, dwells in you, saves you, and offers you an understanding and compassion which are like nothing you have ever found in a book or heard in a sermon."
- thomas merton

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My heart longs....

I love cities.
Seriously. My heart beats faster when I think about cities.

I love them all - New York, Rome, Paris, London. I love how ALIVE I feel in cities. I love how unexpected cities are - like at any moment you could turn a corner and see an impromptu concert or mime, or stumble upon the best meal you've ever had.

I love how culture starts in cities. That artists and musicians and chefs flock to cities. That this wonderful vibe of energy and art and culture and diversity is always bubbling right at the surface.

I physically miss cities the way I miss people. I'm not sure if this is normal or not.

Like right now, I miss New York City. I love NYC in the fall. LOVE IT. With intensity. I miss it and when I think about it, I feel a pang of longing in my heart.

I don't know if it's normal to feel the way about places the way that I do.
I think I love cities most because there is the hope of possibility....the hope and possibility it is so tangible I can almost feel it when I'm in the middle of it..it's exhilarating and exciting and challenging and lovely.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Guilt and Anxiety

Matt and I were given the gift of going to a lake house this weekend.....just the two of us with nothing to do! That never happens... it felt like such a luxury we didn't even know what to do with ourselves. Saturday morning, I woke up giddy, drinking my coffee and looking out over the gorgeous lake and trees changing color. I tried to enjoy it, to be still...but the familiar anxious feeling started creeping in my stomach.

As I sat - literally - just sat - on the couch, my soul began to settle. I've been going and moving and thinking so fast that I haven't just let what is really going on with me surface. And I was shocked at what surfaced - two horrible things that have been following me the past several months: guilt and anxiety.

The anxiety I knew I had because I get very physical symptoms - a nervous stomach, racing mind, heart flutters. Nice, right? I don't know if it's a human thing, a woman thing, or a ME thing, but I seem predisposed to being anxious. For about a year or so I experienced a blissful, worry-free, light hearted existence. It was awesome. And now, with no warning (and certainly no welcome) I am forcefully battling anxiety every day.

The guilt was a surprise. I didn't realize it, but I've been carrying around guilt like a favorite purse - everywhere I go. I think it's the "not enough" syndrome. I don't feel like I'm being a good enough friend, a good enough wife, a good enough daughter or sister. I certainly am not doing enough domestic chores around the house (how DO people work full time and keep their house up???? I'm lost!!), bringing enough meals over for people who just had babies, remembering birthdays, being a good enough small group leader....and, I realized, I don't think I'm being good enough for God. (Is His amazing grace ever going to dwell in me so richly I get over my performance issues? I hope so...but until then I still struggle on...). I feel like I should do more with my appearance, my time, my work. When I really think about it, there is not a single area of my life I feel like I am doing okay in.

The beautiful thing about the realization is that it brought me to my knees, and back to surrender. Back to the truest place I know....the arms of my Heavenly Father. I had been spinning like a top, going in circles; and when I finally stopped for a few minutes, I realized I was far from home.

So I am going back home, back to the basics. I am surrendering my performance issues, the lies that I'm not enough, the fear that I won't ever be. I'm trying to delight in the truth that God loves me. And that is enough.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Wizard of Oz...Prayer?!

I have to pray for courage a lot. I really do. There are those confident, brazen personalities that are totally at ease on stage, or in confrontation, or when asked to do a new task.

I am not one of those people. Outwardly I may be projecting confidence, but inside I'm shaking in my boots (or, let's be honest...my heels).

So, if you look at my journal (which I don't recommend unless you want access to the innermost workings of my heart - scary!), you will often see the word "courage" in there. The other day I was praying for courage (again!) and I got the image of the Lion from the Wizard of Oz in my head and I bust out laughing. The Lion, as you know, is a huge beast who just happens to be a wimp. He joins Dorothy to go find the Wizard because he is tired of being such a scardy cat. He realizes something is wrong - he is created to rule the animal kingdom, not be terrified of it...

Then I thought about how I can identity with each of the other characters who, in desperate need, join Dorothy and Lion on their journey to Oz. There is Tin Man, and he needs a new heart. He can't feel. There is an empty space where there is supposed to be love and compassion. Can any of us relate to that feeling? I sure can. I often long a new heart that is pure and good and not heavy or unloving.

And then we have kindhearted Scarecrow, in need of...a brain. Poor guy has no wisdom to make decisions. Again, I saw myself - - how many times have I prayed for wisdom and a renewing of my mind?

So, anyway, I've started praying for what each of the characters so desperately needs - courage to speak truth, a heart full of love for God and others, and a clear head and wisdom as I go about my day.

Who knew one of my favorite childhood movies would prove so insightful 20 years later?!

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...."

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Must Read

This is a blog entry by one of my best friends in the world, Nicole Lane. Her words are so beautiful, so true, so authentic. It is definitely a must read today.

nicoleklane.blogspot.com/2010/09/grace-upon-grace.html

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Glee-ful

Last year, the country went crazy for Glee. It seemed like everyone was talking about it, facebook was full of posts about it on Tuesday nights, and I heard blurbs on the radio of "Don't stop Believin" more times than I can count.

I didn't get into the hoopla because I was too entrenched in too many TV shows and I try not to watch too much TV. So, long story short, I heard about Glee but never saw it.

All that changed this summer.

Since TV is officially HORRIBLE in the summer, I decided to jump on the Glee train and watch Season1.

I now, like the rest of America, am an official Gleek.

Of course, the show is funny, Sue is absolutely hilarious, and the music is great. But, I fell in love with the show because I finally realized what Glee is really about.

In the second to last episode of Season 1, Vocal Adrenaline, in an attempt to psyche out New Directions, come and egg Rachel in the school parking lot. It's kinda sad, especially when her once-love Jessie smashes the last egg in her hair (poor Rachel). As she makes it back to the choir room, the guys in Glee club get out of their seats immediately, ready to fight Vocal Adrenaline. When Mr. Shue asks where they are going, Kurt replies, "Rachel's one of us, Mr. Shue. We're the only ones allowed to humiliate her."

You probably have realized that Rachel is not the easiest girl in the world to get along with. And that's what makes the moment so poignant, that's why everyone loves Glee...it's because somehow, through the year, this unlikely crew forms an actual family. They have each other's backs.

I think we all want relationships like that. The Gleeks are totally different - a few are super popular, a few are super dorky, they fight and get on each other's nerves - but they have somehow become this incredible community together. I think about community a lot since that's my job...and I believe, deep down, we all want our Glee club. We were made for companionship - we want the people who know all about us and love us anyway. We want people who come through when the chips are down, who have our backs and who form a family for us. I know I do.
So, I am super pumped for Glee to come back on Tuesday!! I can't wait to see my favorite characters back and interacting with each other. I can't wait to laugh at Sue and sing their latest mash-up.

Because, let's face it, the show is hilariously awesome.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

In the Stillness is the Dancing

I've been trying to be still lately. It is a completely counter-cultural idea...I feel like I get a lot of my worth by how busy I am. Like if someone asked me what I did all day and I said "Be still" they would think I am crazy...or worse yet, (gasp!) lazy.

But I think I am too busy. My mind is always racing with things I need to do, my calendar is full, my sleep is often disrupted, I even double booked myself with two important meetings last week. In short, I am on overload.

I've been thinking a lot about being still. I think God wants me to be still. "Be still and know that I am God" He said. I want a quiet heart. I want to sit at His feet and bask in His love for me. I want to deal with the deep issues that I normally gloss over and am "too busy" to deal with. I want to make what is important a priority instead of what is urgent. In short, I want to be closer to God.

So I've been still. I've been laying in our hammock in the backyard. I've been reading for hours on end, losing myself in the Bible. I've been reading poetry. I've been thinking. I've been finding enjoyment in being still.

T.S. Elliott said "in the stillness will be the dancing." I am learning the dance.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Why does Suffering = Character?

I opened my Bible today to read Romans. I love the book Romans. Plus, we just got back from Rome, so reading this book of the Bible has been extra special to me since we got back. I'm on Chapter 5 and couldn't get past the fourth verse. Here is what I read:
"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." (rom. 5:2 - 4)

This is one of those verses in the Bible that is just really painfully, beautifully, true. I didn't have much real character until I went through suffering. My childhood and college years could pretty much be described as idyllic. Meeting Matt was a fairly tale. Sure, they were bumps along the way, but nothing too crushing, no major heartbreak. And then, somewhere in the midst of 2006, I entered into a really hard season. Not because of a traumatic event or anything like that. The quiet - but constant - nagging in my soul got louder and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that something "wasn't right". I finally surrendered the facade, and dove, head first, into a season that I affectionately now refer to as my "quid-life crisis".

To look at me, you wouldn't have known it was a hard season....unless you talked to me. Then I would talk incessantly about what I was learning, how I was changing. And I probably cried when I talked about it. I called it my "cocooning" season. God was basically stripping me down...everything about me. I was humbled. I realized I had been living in really false ways just to please others (ex - I took on the persona of a type A, have-it-all together person instead of just realizing that, to be honest, that's not me at all). It was a beautifully, hard season because I became real. I heard God's voice more than I ever had before. I spent hours in solitude, reading, praying, walking Taylor in the park. I traded in my "perfect" persona for the joy (but harsh reality) of realizing that I am a complete, utter mess, but God loves me like crazy anyway. I guess you could say I learned about grace.

And through God changing me, I began to love others in a way I simply couldn't before. John Eldridge says he doesn't trust a man who hasn't has his heart broken. I get that now. All judgement I had toward others was gone. I could drop my mask and be tender. I could take on the attitude of I'm a mess, you're a mess, let's just try to love God and each other as much as we can.

I love that God creates beauty out of suffering. That gives me hope.





Monday, August 9, 2010

Don't forget the Dysfunction...

I just read my last post and while I like the tribute it was to Mimi, it read just a little too perfect. Meaning, I think I made my family sound a little too perfect. That's why I was afraid to start a blog...I feared presenting only the best, fun facts about myself, only highlighting the good, giving a very one dimensional look at my life.

So, please hear me when I say.....my family loves each other, but we are most definitely dysfunctional. For every wonderful moment full of shopping and wedding showers, there are just as many moments filled with hurt feelings, fights, being upset, and relating to each other in unhealthy ways. I don't know why, but family members know how to push each other's buttons like no one else and they can hurt you like no one else, too. I know the junk in my heart comes out more with my family than with anyone else. Those relationships are some of the most confusing, complicated and hurtful because of this dynamic.

Families are wonderfully hard and exceptionally complicated, and mine is no exception.

Just felt the need to clear that up...and at least give you a two-dimensional look at my life :)

The Empty Seat / Why Lipstick is more than just a Cosmetic

Saturday was a happy day. My cousin Chrissy is getting married in October and we had a big weekend of pre-wedding festivities. My mom and aunt hosted a shower at the Swan Coach House, the women in our family gathered from all around (which doesn't happen as much as it used to, now that everyone lives in different cities), and Chrissy's friends flew in. The afternoon was full of gifts, sundresses and wedding talk. Chicken salad was served in heart shaped pastries, and the swan dessert was a perfect concoction of chocolate and cream, perfect, as usual, in the legendary restaurant.

The problem was, there were 13 women at the shower, but there should have been 14. The loveliest one of all was missing - my grandmother. She passed away two years ago, but it feels like yesterday. I adored my grandmother, my Mimi, as we called her. And now, these family gatherings always seem incomplete. I find myself looking for her as soon as I walk in the door, find myself thinking of her as I get dressed for events, as she was the fashionista in our family (yes, even in her 70s), and find myself glancing around the room wondering where she went, like she just stepped out to go to use the powder room. And then, at some point, I feel the sharp twinge of reality and truth that she is no longer here.

The funny thing is, I miss her most in the mall. I know most women in their 20s would not say that they enjoyed shopping with their grandmother. But I did. It was a highlight when I was growing up. She taught me about fashion and style, beauty products and make-up. We bonded over lipsticks and purses, laughed over lunches with my mom at the Nordstrom cafe. Most grandmothers would probably want something like a subscription to Southern Living for a mother's day gift. Not Mimi...for several years I simply renewed her subscription to InStyle.

When you lose someone, you expect the big events to be hard - the engagements, weddings, births, graduations....the milestone moments. And they are hard. Incredibly hard.

But, I've been more surprised at how hard the little moments can be - when you pick up the phone to call the one you love and then suddenly remember they are not here anymore. Like the other day, I was at Sephora trying to figure out if I need a new moisturizer to help with the lines and sun spots I'm finding on my face (more on that in another post, I'm sure), and I picked up the phone to call Mimi, because I knew she would know, but I realized that I couldn't call because she wouldn't answer.

I don't mean for this post to be depressing. It's more uplifting to me, actually, because I'm reminded of the legacy of my Mimi and the impact a life can have on a family. It's also uplifting because I fully believe in heaven and that those who claim Jesus as Lord of their life spend eternity in heaven with him. It also inspires me to think that one person, while they are here, can make the world more beautiful (or maybe more fashionable, in Mimi's case).

In fact, on Friday, Mom and I went out and bought a Chanel lipstick in honor of her. Trust me when I say, nothing would make her happier. I don't know how things work in heaven (obviously), but I have a very strong feeling she was watching closely, making sure we were choosing the right color for my mother, who has a "warm skin tone" but "cool lips". The pinky color we chose was just perfect. I think she was proud.


Friday, August 6, 2010

My little brother is a grown-up

I honestly have no idea when this happened. Michael has always been my "little" brother, and now he's all grown-up, living in DC with an important job, paying taxes, and doing other things that adults do. I have Michael freeze-framed in my mind as being 12 (I have no idea why 12...I would have been 16 and maybe that was an important year for me or something), but yesterday, I called him for advice. I rarely do this, because I literally see him as being 12. But, I had a family question, and I trust and respect him, and knew he would have good counsel. And, of course, he did. I hung up the phone amazed at how mature he sounded at the age of 24.

Sometimes I take my family for granted, or have them "freeze framed" at a certain age or season of life. I think it's so unfortunate when I do this, because I miss out on letting people change...or noticing that people have changed. I give up easily or write people off. And I miss out on things like realizing that my little brother is now a grown-up, a good one at that, and can offer me counsel. Or, like finding out that someone in the family is becoming more forgiving, or less judgemental, or even more fun. I'm not sure if this is even making sense, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that my prayer today was that I wouldn't miss what God was up to in the lives of the people around me because I have them "pegged" as being a certain way.

For some reason this thought keeps bringing to mind one of my favorite verses in the book of Isaiah ( I really love the book of Isaiah, by the way):"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?" (Is. 43:18-19).

I love the reminder to forget the former things and see that God is doing a new thing. (sidebar - I also love the word dwell in the verse, since I've been into that concept lately...). A great thing to remember with the people that we love.

Thanks, Michael, for being a tangible reminder of that for me yesterday. I think you are turning into quite an awesome grown-up.

Why Blog?

Well, the short answer is...I'm not really sure. Part of me thinks I don't really have anything worth saying. But I was reminded the other day that I love to write. It feels like if I don't write things down, they didn't really happen....it's how I process, how I dream, how I think. And then I thought about how ordinary a lot of my days are, and how hard life can be, but how, in the midst of it, there are these amazing moments...filled with God's grace and love and wonderfulness. So I want to write because I want to dwell there, in those moments.

I named the blog "dwell in grace" because well, grace is my most favorite concept EVER. Being introduced to grace a few years ago (i.e. finding out God was madly in love with me for free - NOT based on performance) changed everything about me. And I've always loved the word "dwell". I'm going through a season of learning how to "dwell" (remain in / soak up into the very core of me) in God and in His love and grace.

So...I want to write about the things I love, the things that are hard, and what I'm learning. These topics include (but are not limited to)...what God is teaching me, amazing books, thought provoking conversations, the city, art, travel, community, food, fashion, learning, and things that make me laugh. So, if anyone actually reads this, I hope you like reading it as much as I like writing it.