Monday, October 25, 2010

Guilt and Anxiety

Matt and I were given the gift of going to a lake house this weekend.....just the two of us with nothing to do! That never happens... it felt like such a luxury we didn't even know what to do with ourselves. Saturday morning, I woke up giddy, drinking my coffee and looking out over the gorgeous lake and trees changing color. I tried to enjoy it, to be still...but the familiar anxious feeling started creeping in my stomach.

As I sat - literally - just sat - on the couch, my soul began to settle. I've been going and moving and thinking so fast that I haven't just let what is really going on with me surface. And I was shocked at what surfaced - two horrible things that have been following me the past several months: guilt and anxiety.

The anxiety I knew I had because I get very physical symptoms - a nervous stomach, racing mind, heart flutters. Nice, right? I don't know if it's a human thing, a woman thing, or a ME thing, but I seem predisposed to being anxious. For about a year or so I experienced a blissful, worry-free, light hearted existence. It was awesome. And now, with no warning (and certainly no welcome) I am forcefully battling anxiety every day.

The guilt was a surprise. I didn't realize it, but I've been carrying around guilt like a favorite purse - everywhere I go. I think it's the "not enough" syndrome. I don't feel like I'm being a good enough friend, a good enough wife, a good enough daughter or sister. I certainly am not doing enough domestic chores around the house (how DO people work full time and keep their house up???? I'm lost!!), bringing enough meals over for people who just had babies, remembering birthdays, being a good enough small group leader....and, I realized, I don't think I'm being good enough for God. (Is His amazing grace ever going to dwell in me so richly I get over my performance issues? I hope so...but until then I still struggle on...). I feel like I should do more with my appearance, my time, my work. When I really think about it, there is not a single area of my life I feel like I am doing okay in.

The beautiful thing about the realization is that it brought me to my knees, and back to surrender. Back to the truest place I know....the arms of my Heavenly Father. I had been spinning like a top, going in circles; and when I finally stopped for a few minutes, I realized I was far from home.

So I am going back home, back to the basics. I am surrendering my performance issues, the lies that I'm not enough, the fear that I won't ever be. I'm trying to delight in the truth that God loves me. And that is enough.

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